November 20, 2009
" Worry and regret are like twin theives"
Right now I'm in one of my reflective moods. I hope that I haven't lost my many strains of thought as I've just jumped up and down to re-heat my cup of tea, which I kept forgetting to actually retrieve from the microwave, to keep me warm in the night air on the back porch of Mirembe.
Tonight Angela did a devotional on regret and living in the moment. Usually I try to ponder my words before I type them- make sure they sound eloquent and flowing...but tonight I fear that if I don't just blurt out my immediate thoughts and ponderings to this page I will loose them.
Regret, living in the moment, taking each moment as it comes- consciously making an effort to realize that once it is gone it is lost...these are all very appropriate as we reflect, prepare to debrief, and try (going in circles it often seems) to process this tour. But tonight I realized something...since being at this house, since the countdown until the end of tour began I have stopped living in the moment. One of my most precious momentos for tour was a scrapbook my Mum put together- a narrative and keepsake of all the times we've shared together as family before I left for tour. At the end of the book is a short story called "The Station"- an illustration on the paradoxes of time. I remember being surprised when my mom explained why she'd included that story. She said that I am one of the few people she knows who live in the moment- who enjoys the minutes, as I live in the minutes, day by day...and that most people can't. I was surprised. I'd never thought or recognized that of myself...but my friends agreed. But tonight I realized something big. Since coming to Mirembe I have left the moment. Taking time to play with the kids because I know that in 28 days I won't be able to. Reading with them because soon the chance will be gone. Filling and sometimes cramming our time together into schedules to make sure I talk with them, use my time with them, play with them, frantically continue to get to know them....but tonight it hit me. It isn't for now. The soccer games on Saturdays, the chai tea and books at playtime- it hasn't been because I've wanted to share that with they be it today or yesterday...but because I know that next month it will be gone. I have not allowed myself to fully enjoy those moments because I have honestly been too busy trying to savour them, dearly hold onto them for fear of loosing them. Ironically. when we do that I have come to realize in the stress and bittersweet emotions, that a moment cannot simply be treasured, cherished, and sweet if we are already mourning its loss.
So thank you Ang for your staff devotions tonight. As I reflect on the time past, you have helped to reawaken me to what it truly means to live in the moment. I want to find myself there again...
p.s- a sweet quote I don't want to forget from this morning from Peace: "Auntie Laura, do you know why I am hugging you so much these days? It is because soon I won't be able to when I miss you."