Truths from Guatemala: Part 1

Friends, the best part about a story is that it gets to be shared. More than that, often I believe our stories need to be shared. For if we feel them in our heart but do not let our hearts share the burden of the stories that challenge us, then only one heart is broken. If there is a story of hope that stays only written in our journals then we keep the hope and light of the world within us, and leave the crowd's pereceptions of poverty as far away and dark. And when the story comes from far away and is indeed dark, then there is all the more reason to share. For if we share of the darkness, then awareness, perspective, and passion can meet and then into the darkness hope can be born. And so tonight, after a week serving those greatly devestated by the latest hurricane in Guatemala, I must write. For if only one other person reads these entries of stories, it will be one more person to know along with me and what I know in my heart. And so now the first lesson learned from the life stores I became apart of a couple weeks ago...
1. True love helps.
While in Guatemala we worked with a team of locals from the mission to build three homes for families who had been robbed of every earthly posession by the hurricane. A widowed grandmother lived with her 5 orphaned grandchildren in a shelter made of cornhusks. In their drinking water outside swam about a dozen little shiny orange fish the children laughed innocently over trying to catch in a pail. At another home parents had survived the hurricane and their family of about 6 lived sheltered under a roof thatched again of dried cornhusks. But the reason I titled this story as "True love helps" is not to be misunderstood as what we as a team did in building for them, but what the families of these homes did for us. If a man lived at the home he let not one opportunity to help us carry sheet metal for roofing, or hammer in nails pass him by. In the picture I have he is smiling, and the picture is candid. Real, full, smiles can't be practiced, his simply couldn't help but come out from within him when he was helping.


2. True Generostiy has no limits
As we finished the last touches of paint to the home, the eldest child came to me, patted me on the shoulder, and offered me a basket of chips and freshly bottled water to choose from. As I thanked her and reached for a bag, she says "not one, but two. You must take two." This girl and her family had nothing. Nothing that would furnish their home, not the money to send their children to school, no money for their toys or shoes...but as I took the chips I realized that real generosity doesn't hold anything back from its giving.

And then I ask myself how generous am I? What are my limits to giving? How much in the way of personal security and comfort do I need before I feel free enough to just give? What stops me from giving more? If I had more, and the key here is only after I had more, then could I give to others? The pastor of the church we attended in Guatemala said Sunday morning " Being rich is having enough for yourself and then some." We all have enough for ourselves. And now we all need to realize the "and then some part" Take less for ourselves, and give more without counting.

An e-mail I received tonight signed off with "I hope your heart continues to be softened. We all need softer hearts." I have come back to that e-mail over and over tonight- I leave you with these first stories, and will share more this week. May more hearts be softened.

Being intentional.

Yesterday a friend of mine brought in the obituary of her grandfather for me to read at work. It is strange to think that the journey of a whole life's worth of living can be summed up in 4 pointed and perfectly typed times new roman sentences. Looking at the newspaper what his summarized life didn't come down to was the adventures taken. Places the person went. What occupation they held. How much money they made. From reading I don't know what their home looked like, what they liked to do, or what their status was, all I know them by was who they loved and who loved them. After our last breath all we have left are our relationships. Isn't that all that really matters, all we've ever really had all along anyways?

The same friend at work asks me over to her place almost every week since meeting me. She is one of the many people that I think of as a great friend to me. It gets me thinking...what is it exactly that makes someone a great friend? In my thinking I believe it all comes down to being intentional about making time for each other. We need to be intentional in our relationships if they are to be the kind that grow us closer and deeper to someone.

I am a firm believer that we are blessed by the presence of certain people in our lives to support us, see us through, laugh with until it hurts, or cry with because life hurts so much for each season of our lives. At the end of each season there is always the bittersweet feeling of being ready to move forward but sad to leave the group you are with behind. I remember waking up the morning after my grade 8 goodbye party with fresh tears that blurred together pages of yearbook memories ome the slow, dawning realiztion that sharing life everyday with those friends was gone. I remember something similar happening at the goodbye party after highschool- a wave of nostalgia coming over me at times when I thought about the goodbyes I had said to people leaving to different Universities. And so the cycle continues to University, and then to tour, and then after tour...In hindsight most of the people I cried over leaving in grade school and highschool are no longer apart of my life. The same can be said for recent experiences too. So what makes a good friend? And what makes the kind of friend that spans the years of many seasons?

I don't believe it has to do with how close you live to someone. Tour taught me that the depth of a friendship is unchanged by distance. I don't believe it is shared circumstances that keep you close. Sometimes being in the same experience together is the only thing that gives you reason to appreciate someone you normally wouldn't even make the effort to come to know. When the season you have shared with someone has passed it is only being intentional about making time to talk, share, and continue to get to know someone that keeps you together.

Sometimes it comes easily, sometimes life just makes the effort a more concious one. But in the end I am reminded this week to make the effort. Make the phone call. More time to talk over coffee. Take time for your friends over your work. Relationships sustain life. Relationships are life. Pick up a paper and read over any obituary and imagine yours...how have you made the time to love?

Purpose redefined.

I cannot go anywhere in life without music. A walk needs the beat of music. Music wakes me up in the morning (although it is a slow process I might add). I love writing in coffee shops because there is something soothing about the acoustic sound of the likes of Jack Johnson singing about making banana pancakes as background to conversation, a good book, or weaving thoughts together. Music makes a road trip more fun. Singing out loud makes you feel free. Singing at the top of your lungs is exhilarating. Music makes us remember. Come the most sorrowful moments in life- the death of a loved one, friend, the loss of soldier- we come together only by a song. Music is the only thing in common between a funeral and a wedding. It spans every emotion, and no matter how hard I try I cannot pin down that feeling I get through music to the space of this page. I wish I could adequately and eloquently express what music does to me- my soul- I try with words like “rivet” and “passion” and “stirring” and “soaring” and “love”...but none of them work. Sometimes the English language is so limiting. How can I use “love” to describe golden pineapple verses regular pineapple and describe music? It is rare I don’t have the words- after all I was the sole reason my family needed to call one of those awfully dry “family meetings” where we usually talked about chore schedules, to discuss getting a second phone line. I tried to express what music makes me feel in a reflection paper in grade 10, but my attempts ended up filling 3 pages of lined paper- only to read over it, and come the final page find my efforts to be futile. I thought tonight as I rediscover my passion for music that the ambiance of a coffee shop with everyone else working away to inspire me to work away, and the chai latte at hand, would be the perfect backdrop for another attempt at putting passion into words, into the computer, on the paper...but it’s not. So instead I share with you a story- in hopes that this will be one of those times where the story best illustrates why I love music. Why it is so valuable to dear life.
My youngest voice student at the moment is 10. I use the first lesson with my students to get to know them, and learn about what they like to listen to, why they’re taking lessons (hoping they don’t say because Mom made them), what they know about music, and what they want to accomplish by taking lessons. At our first lesson, my student came to me and told me that he couldn’t read music, and when I told him how helpful it would be to learn songs he hadn’t heard before, he said it was too hard. He said his mom wanted him to sing a solo in church after taking lessons, but he wasn’t sure that he could. For the first month he was too shy to sing out for fear that anyone else in the house would hear him. When I brought a piece for him to learn by reading notes he said it was too hard and he would never be able to do it. He would never sing in front of his family, and he would walk around always slightly hunched over and nervous.
This past week was his first recital. The day of I asked him how he was feeling, and he turned to me and says “Fine! We’ve been working on this piece for awhile and now that I know how to sing I know that I can do things. Tonight’s no big deal, it’s only for 100 people, and next week I sing for the talent show at school for 1000 people. I’ve never done that before, but now I know I can.”
That is why I love music. Not because studies show “it makes you smarter”, or better at math (I am living proof it does not), not because people like to listen to it, not because my student’s parents are happy, and not because I can be proud of him even though I am. It is because that child has a glowing confidence that believes in himself that wasn’t there before. Now “nothing is too hard” (a direct quote from him), and he can sing in front of people “no problem”.
Making music, sharing music, doesn’t need to be done so at the end of many pieces you can “become” something or hold a degree. In fact, I only ever decided to study music because then I would have dedicated four years of my life to something I love. Through my own experiences, my choir children, and my students now I can look back to see how it empowers people ...and I believe I have discovered that in itself is purposeful enough.

Life is not in the WHERE but in the WHAT.

"Sometimes we don't always need to take the time to carefully pray over something for months. We don't need to pour ourselves into making every decision in life. If there is a place you can serve with a need you know needs to be met- just do it. Be there."

Our young adults leader carried on, I sat nodding in agreement from my seat. "Oh yeah" I thought "of course", "very true"...but I didn't always think this way. It has taken me months to get my head to catch up with my heart and affirm these words. Let me explain...

The first week I moved to Pickering I sent the Pastor of the church I have attended an e-mail to introduce myself and see if he was interested and able to partner with me in going to volunteer overseas, and in turn and in the meantime how I could partner with him and his church and be involved. When I stepped into his office he said "Laura when I first got your e-mail and read about your background in music my first thought was that I wanted to send you to Guatemala right away. We have lots of music need in Guatemala. But then I read on in your e-mail and saw that you were interested in going to Africa again."

"That's right." I can hear myself saying again. I remember thinking to myself "Guatemala? That's far fetched."

What were the real thoughts behind those words were this: I have just broken down the walls of comfort to be open to going back to serve in Africa. But Africa in a sense is what I already know, am already more familiar with. And so God had yes broken down my comfort zone to going back, but then I had created my own comfort zone for being overseas- Africa.

And I never thought about Guatemala again. Until last month it was announced in church that the young adults missions team needed just a couple more members to join them to work in Guatemala. All I could think of was the pastor's initial words to me "I wanted to send you to Guatemala, there is so much music need in Guatemala." Now I was ready to see that need again and realize that it is not about where I go to serve, but that I serve.

And so it is with great excitement and expectancy that I leave with a team of 9 others to Guatemala in the end of July. For the first time I feel excitment and peace over what is next and I am eager to be there, and most eager to just meet the children our team will be working with, running music with them, and meeting with the leadership staff at the school to catch their vision for music with these kids. Who knows what that vision looks like or if I will be called back again. But for now I have been broken again and am determined to be more open; because I can't help but wonder if the walls I put up, my comfort zone and my own ideas draw out the process of God working through me how He desires.

What's it gonna take to slow us down...to let the silence spin us around..? -Switchfoot

Last week I was in beautiful, cherry blossoms blooming, crayon colour vibrant green, mountainous Oregon. Having found a really great ticket sale I went to visit Angela, one of my dearest friends from tour. I told her that what I really wanted to do together was hike a mountain. So much of our time was spent outside at the top of a mountain, overlooking a lake, atop green hills, beside waterfalls, looking out on the world. Most days we shared sitting together on the outskirts of life, looking down from a mountaintop view on the business of life in miniature scale. I love the same view from the plane- where the cars looks like only toys on a play mat, the houses small dollhouses that could be picked up between your fingers, and all the stresses, arguements, noise, and business of people completely quieted and hidden in simpleness.




"I love to be on what seems to be the outside of the world looking in. I imagine that's how God sees us, from a place where everything is quiet and peaceful and He can control life or stop a car crash with the flick of a finger." (Ang)

It must be how God sees the world. The author of 'The Shack' drew a simply lovely illustration of how God sees the people of the world. He imagined that God sees each person as a soul of glowing white. Each personality and unique make up of that person's character is a glow of a different hue. I imagine green being kindness, red pure of heart, yellow as strength and so on... It is so easy to get caught up in the noise of life, and make noise to mask the problems we don't want to face and the insecurities we don't want to work through in ourselves. I hope the words don't sound cliche or overdone, but how much more beautiful the world we live in would be if we could see the people around us in the colours of their positive character. Maybe then would the streetlights dim, the sound of our anger and pride die down, and so much of the tension from our selfishness and sleepwalking through the fast pace of life slow down to a point of mountaintop peace.

8. Always live in community

As I engage and re-engage with solitude I rediscover my essential connection and desire to be in community with others. Walking into church a couple Sundays ago a sense of warmth rushed over me from entering the door into a community of people. Less and less I try to unveil the mystery of God's will for my future with worry.There is a story to live by an author where by my His radiance my own imagination pales in comparison. I am allowing my heart to be stirred with the excitement that comes in confirmation that He wants me to be serving at the church I am trying to make home. "Make thoughtful decisions" I once read, "but don't consume so much time thinking over a choice over how to help and where to do so when you could just be out there serving." Serving is for a lifetime, the process of discerning just where and how isn't. On Sunday confirmation to being here came in the Pastor's words, "God sent Laura to our church", when introducing me to the children I am running a children's choir for now. The workings of God seem to become more real when someone else sees you as divinely sent to them. The experience is so different from that of my time rehearsing the choir, the children I have now cannot really stay on key or match a pitch or tune- but more importantly than that is what these children need...and that is to be needed. It is more important that they gain the confidence and see for themselves that they can lead a church in worship, and that bridges of song connect these younger ones to the church body.

I love children and their child-like faith...with that thought come two stories, the first being a prayer by one of the little boys in the choir.

"Dear God help us learn this music for Easter. We do not have a lot of time to know the songs and we have never sung a song for the church. And so God can I be honest with you? I'm scared God because it is new. But in the Bible you say that you will always be with us and you will never leave us. So I know that we are going to be good. Amen"

The second one comes from one of the most energetic girls in the group. She comes to me today saying that her family volunteered to clean the church on Friday and she snuck off to the practice room to where all the words for our songs are posted on the board to practice. "I'm so ready for Sunday. But don't worry, I practiced lots so I am better and I didn't sing for my parents yet...I want it to be a suprise on Easter!" She glowed with confidence and then cocked her head at me, smiled, and gave my a huge hug.

Today I added "always live in community with people" on my list of lifetime goals. I don't know the future from here, but God has showed me where to be for the now- and may that be all I need.

What I learned while drinking coffee...

What I learned while sharing over coffee in visiting my supporters from London this past weekend:

1. Everyone can be lonely.
I was once told that writing down all your fears would help you see all the things that you put up as obstacles to fully living your life. I'm afraid of tornados, but that doesn't count. It takes you awhile to get started on what fears are very real, but once you start thinking, getting past even the initial fear of seeing yourself so vulnerable and get writing, then the page fills up easily. At the top of my list is being lonely and alone in life. I fully acknowledge that it is one of my greatest fears of doing long term missions work- moving into a different culture where nothing is familiar and there is not even one close friend, right there, to share the transition, beautiful and bad, with. I asked my friend Beth who has served in Thailand for almost 4 years if she was ever lonely. "Of course!" she said. The first year of her work there she described as the hardest year of her life. But then she said that when she came home after living there for 2 years she talked to some of her closest friends still living in the same city who surrounded by the familiar and more company were lonely. Loneliness isn't a phenomenon that can only be experienced when you live far away. Everyone is lonely when there is a lack of doing good and a lack of relationship with God. But here at home it is less evident when it is easily satisfied with food, phone calls, friends, media, entertainment, careers, or just noise.

2. Transition is easier than you think.
I asked a long standing friend and supporter, Diane, what the hardest part about living in Africa for a year was for her time there. "Coming home" she answers. I kind of just sat there for awhile looking at my coffee trying to understand it. I didn't think her answer really answered my question...it wasn't actually about living in Africa at all, but that was the hardest part? She interrupts my thoughts..."You transition easier than you think Laura. If you don't highly value North American comforts like having running water at your finger tips and a hot shower- if you are the kind of person who living with the easy access to everything isn't what you live for." Well then, you take maybe 3 months to get comfortable with this new lifestyle, and you've grown away from the things you "needed". But then the hardest thing is coming back home and realizing it only takes one day to go back to your luxury life in Canada as it were.

3. People will support you for a good cause.
I don't know where the idea came from that people wouldn't want to support me and make the commitment to help me prayerfully and financially once again with where God places me next. From guilt in asking for support? From not believing in myself to be able to fulfill God's purpose? A dear family friend told his daughter when she asked her Dad why he didn't want to spend money on celebrities, supporting their records, buying magazines on their lives, that he would rather support "Miss Laura" (as I have always been known to their little girl as) because with his support and money I can make a difference for other people.

4. God has big plans for all our lives.
As I said goodbye to my Mom's bible study ladies group after sharing over a night of desserts and tea one of the ladies turns to me, studies me for a moment, and then says "Laura- God has big plans for your life. I just know it." I've been thinking about that...I think God has mighty plans for how he wants to use each of us for His glory and in His service. It gives me an anxious and excited feeling...

5. I can easily become overwhelmed.
Sometimes my missions pastor tells me "that sounds scattered Laura." Often since moving to Pickering I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I'm going down a track and running towards a vision and with a passion and then suddenly I feel overwhelmed the next day with life. I've come to see in myself that this is only when my thoughts become scattered. I hear about one amazing opportunity, five different ways people are serving in Africa, a handful of amazing organizations giving a voice and hope to children, think of all the wonderful places there are to travel, and all the different things I could do and want to pour myself into all of them. Then my vision gets stretched in too many different directions and I feel overwhelmed because I can't do it all. Although I wish I could. I wish life was 5 times as long and I could volunteer for everything and everywhere. Instead, I need to make the most of the one chance I get at life, and not let all the opportunities overwhelm and scatter my thinking from the course I'm on.

6. I am overwhelmingly loved and blessed by it.
There is a support network who have been faithful to me throughout tour and are ready and willing to support me again when the time comes. I have a handful of people who take me out, care for me, and take pride in what I do as if I was their own daughter. I don't know what I have ever done to deserve it. I only know I haven't done anything, but rather it is the grace of God that has.