God illustrations in the dark

I have never liked highway driving at night.

Driving back from going to see a Rascal Flatts concert with my sister late last Thursday night I began to feel that same sense of nervousness make me tense as Heather slept and I started down the highway. Late at night with only my thoughts to keep me awake I began to wonder why the highway in the dark, on the clearest of evenings always makes me uneasy. I've had my license since I was 16, my mind reasons...unlike driving on tour I know where I'm going... I've never been in an accident...it isn't even snowing, I have insurance...Logically, I know I am safe. I know that, but my heart is always still a flutter. Passing through well lit cities along the highway and then going back to the long stretches of darkness, driving through a couple patches of flurries trying to stay in the cars headlights infront of me to see more clearly and then speeding up again as the snow clears I pray for safety and it dawns on me. I like to see the stretch of road ahead of me. I like to be able to see the next bend in the road over the horizon instead of trusting that my headlights will guide me through the small illuminated area four white stripes long on the road right before me.

That's the way it is between me and God lately living in the mystery of his will. Do you know the old song "thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"? The song doesn't say "a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my life" if it did there would be no reason for faith, trust and suffering with him. Most of the world woke up today and didn't even know if they would be able to eat today. I woke up and worried over if I will find a job in the next month and how long I would stay in it. If I could always see my life like I do the stretch of highway in the day then I would never have to rely on Him and have Him central to my decision making in life. God gives us enough light for our feet- the step ahead, the move we make day by day. But I find myself always wanting to be able to see past that- just like wanting to see past the little light my headlights shine in the dark. But both light is sufficient. In both I am safe and I have enough. What I do need is to turn worry into prayer, and more and more trust, again and again.

The biggest truths in the smallest stories

Last Sunday I met female disciple Tabitha at Safe Haven Church that I've started going to, in Acts, chapter 9, in a sermon on compassion. Pastor Martin talked about the difference between pity and compassion. He said that pity is a heavy burdened heart for someone in a hard/sad situation...but that is where is stops. But compassion extends a hand to reach out to someone past the point of pity. At this point the Pastor turns to people and just shouts: "SLOW DOWN AND HELP PEOPLE!"

How often have I heard this sermon? What does it take for one to reach out after being moved? We can sit in church and be moved by his words, but yet we come back to the same seat next week and don't even know the names of the people that sit beside us. I call myself a Christian, I claim to love my neighbours, and yet I don't even know my neighbors names. How much does the Pastor have to raise his voice, and shout because he so badly wants us on this Sunday to "get it" and live it?


This past Tuesday I took the subway into downtown Toronto to meet with a friend I haven't seen in months. For the first time since moving here I was in a rush as I tried to get from the OHIP office to Starbucks. I ran with the crowd at the crossover to the Bloor line and stopped for all of a heartbeat to watch a staggering hungover woman struggle...no, I shouldn't make this sound nice...flailing around, smash her head into the wall, spilling her coffee everywhere. I looked- and just as quickly turned away and caught the subway.

As soon as I sat down on the train I had this sinking feeling as I realized just what I'd done- exactly what Pastor Martin told us not to do.

If I was in Africa, Asia, the Ukraine...I would have stopped to help her- in fact, it probably would have been shared as a heart touching story, or snapped as a brochure cover for some great humanitarian organization. But in my own neighborhood? I was too busy again.

I arrived at Starbucks 5 minutes early. That's all it would have taken for me to help her stand up and walk to somewhere out of a dirty stairwell where she could have sat down and had something to eat and a simple glass of water. I had time. In fact, in the stories that immediately come to mind in the bible that illustrate compassion- Jesus, the good samaritan, they were both headed somewhere. They didn't just aimlessly wander around looking for random acts of kindness- they had their own day and schedule ahead of them, people following them, and people to meet. But they had time. And so either way you look at it, I had time too... 5 minutes early, or even if it meant being 15 minutes late- I had time.

And so I thought I could check off the "not busy" part of the sermon as I look at my life and try to plant my feet here serving, being in relationships and community. But in a mere few days I lost it and became a failure once again to the Christian love Pastor Martin shouted about. I wouldn't even call it pity that came across me, but only pitiful.

...And so I wonder, what does it take to hear but then act?

Time In Between...

I've been walking the streets of Pickering this week, getting this girl with no sense of direction oriented to my new city to the tune of Francesca Battistelli. Her lyrics seem to always have this uncanny ability, on any given day, to capture where I find myself. Today it is in the "Time in between... That I fall down to my knees...Waiting on what You'll bring...And the things that I can't see...I know my song’s incomplete...Still I'll sing in the time in between."

Oh, I'm singin' alright...loud and clear down the streets of Pickering, much to the humour of others on the sidewalk of that I'm sure...trusting God to this time of transition- being in the middle of a tour that has finished and what is next in life. I have come very accustomed to, and often avoid the question "What is next?" Not because I don't have an idea of what I want to do now that tour is over, but because the question doesn't ask for what is before then- this time of preparation.

And it's for that reason that I still want to keep blogging. Last night talking to a dear friend she asks "was it you that said you wanted to blog every week?" Admittedly, and if you could see me right now with a sheepish look on my face, I know that I haven't done that faithfully. But writing here once or twice a week is part of my list of goals for this time in between. Since being home, processing, and going to Urbana (the largest missions conference in N. America) I have a better idea of what I want to live for, and now want to keep writing the vision of getting there.

Part of my inspiration for getting there comes from author Donald Miller, who says to think in narrative rather than goals, for goals will get met in the journey of the story. A story involves wanting something. I want to go back to work long term in Uganda- living for a mission that brings hope to children by developing their potential and confidence through both education and the arts. Another want...
I want to design a music education/music therapy program to work with Ugandan children, specifically children that were former child soldiers and are child mothers.

The second part of God giving us the pen and writing out our story says Miller is to envision a climatic scene- see it, imagine what it looks like, smells like and sounds like to keep it real. And so I start to work towards being surrounded once again by the most genuine joy I have ever felt of living with, forming relationships, and teaching children in their context- a culture that is beautifully relational.

Lastly, Miller says that we need inciting incidents in life- we need to solve new problems, work towards that vision and get moving! And so for those of you wondering..."So, what are you doing now?" This is what I'm working on to get me there...
1. I'm going to start by taking a course called perspectives- a 15 week discipleship course. I've lived many different experiences, but also want to get the education now on missions, different cultures, and examining missions throughout the context of the bible.
2. I'm working on gaining a support network here in Pickering, and planting myself in a home church that I can partner with, and most importantly right now that I can jump in and serve with! More to come after Sunday in my I PROMISE weekly updates this time!
3. Improving my own music skills- I'd like to volunteer at a Toronto hospital with a music therapist and take a course in Kodaly. (For those of you wondering what is this? Imagine yourself in clothes made out of old drapes in a horse drawn carriage singing along "do re me..." with Maria in the Sound of Music and Kodaly is that system of teaching music!)

I'm so glad for you reading this and following with me- life blesses you with wonderful friends and then with each new chapter scatters them near and far. Thank goodness for places like this where with the click of a button we can be together in thought.

" Worry and regret are like twin theives"

Right now I'm in one of my reflective moods. I hope that I haven't lost my many strains of thought as I've just jumped up and down to re-heat my cup of tea, which I kept forgetting to actually retrieve from the microwave, to keep me warm in the night air on the back porch of Mirembe.
Tonight Angela did a devotional on regret and living in the moment. Usually I try to ponder my words before I type them- make sure they sound eloquent and flowing...but tonight I fear that if I don't just blurt out my immediate thoughts and ponderings to this page I will loose them.
Regret, living in the moment, taking each moment as it comes- consciously making an effort to realize that once it is gone it is lost...these are all very appropriate as we reflect, prepare to debrief, and try (going in circles it often seems) to process this tour. But tonight I realized something...since being at this house, since the countdown until the end of tour began I have stopped living in the moment. One of my most precious momentos for tour was a scrapbook my Mum put together- a narrative and keepsake of all the times we've shared together as family before I left for tour. At the end of the book is a short story called "The Station"- an illustration on the paradoxes of time. I remember being surprised when my mom explained why she'd included that story. She said that I am one of the few people she knows who live in the moment- who enjoys the minutes, as I live in the minutes, day by day...and that most people can't. I was surprised. I'd never thought or recognized that of myself...but my friends agreed. But tonight I realized something big. Since coming to Mirembe I have left the moment. Taking time to play with the kids because I know that in 28 days I won't be able to. Reading with them because soon the chance will be gone. Filling and sometimes cramming our time together into schedules to make sure I talk with them, use my time with them, play with them, frantically continue to get to know them....but tonight it hit me. It isn't for now. The soccer games on Saturdays, the chai tea and books at playtime- it hasn't been because I've wanted to share that with they be it today or yesterday...but because I know that next month it will be gone. I have not allowed myself to fully enjoy those moments because I have honestly been too busy trying to savour them, dearly hold onto them for fear of loosing them. Ironically. when we do that I have come to realize in the stress and bittersweet emotions, that a moment cannot simply be treasured, cherished, and sweet if we are already mourning its loss.

So thank you Ang for your staff devotions tonight. As I reflect on the time past, you have helped to reawaken me to what it truly means to live in the moment. I want to find myself there again...

p.s- a sweet quote I don't want to forget from this morning from Peace: "Auntie Laura, do you know why I am hugging you so much these days? It is because soon I won't be able to when I miss you."

from Mirembe...

It was my goal on tour to blog every day off. Today is my first official day off at Mirembe house- for a very rare and still moment everything is completely quiet here this morning as the kids are in the house across from me doing school. I can faintly hear the strains of Steve playing his guitar, and if I really listen outside my little world of writing than I can enter into the sounds of the rustling leaves being blown in the heavy winds outside. I did put one of my music albums from itunes to play but just realized the computer volume is on mute. But I don't mind this morning- I'll keep the peace and easy silence for now.

Do you remember those fridge posters that try and illustrate optimism? Remember...they're the kinds of posters that have "I can't stand the person who sings loudly and off key behind me in church."...but then it counteracts that with "But I am fortunate to be able to hear." This morning as I was trying to sleep in after a busy and sometimes overwhelming feeling week with leading symphony rehearsals. I kept trying to push past the clock with every noise I could hear from the girls getting ready, girls coming into the room with questions, and the noise of 21 children downstairs eating breakfast and getting ready to start the day...and then this morning as I came downstairs to peace and quiet and a good cup of tea I thought- thank God I have a full house of children surrounding me. My time with them is short from here- and I am fortunate to have the energy of children fill this place of rest in North Carolina.

I have loved watching them play and being part of their world of play this past week. When we first arrived after performing our last church concert we spent a week in "camp mode". No school. No rehearsals. Just play. Movies, soccer games, walks to the lake to sit on the docks and read and draw and talk together, and a morning run with 8 of the boys who've been eagerly convincing me they are in good shape to do the run to the lake with me. (And they were!) Probably my highlight from camp week- we run to the lake, (while having the most entertaining conversation that I only wish I could remember every word of), and when we get to the lake completely hot and sweaty Hanny asks if he can go in the water. At this point I start to answer "Yes, but..." Hanny in his eager anticipation of my answer only hears my "yes" and runs full speed ahead, fully clothed into the water and starts to cup the water in his hands and throw it over his head in utter joy. The other boys quickly follow, running quickly in the water and bobbing up and down trying their best to get all wet as fast as possible. Nelson at this point says "Well if they are going to be silly, I will be silly too!" At that point it didn't matter that my "yes" was going to be followed by "but only to your ankles". We had too much fun. 8 very wet hugs later we headed back to the house for lunch, and dried off with a soccer game in beautiful sunshiney weather that afternoon.

Although camp is over, I want to be sure to create more of these memories with the kids. I've been frustrated with feeling like I have so much musical work I need to do that I don't have the time to just be with the children- I just need to remind myself- the work always gets done and I want to be sure to make the time for play. More pots of tea with the kids, games on the porch, cooking together, walks...And next week's day off I'll add to that list.

over and over singing thanks...

Somehow this week brings October to an end, and with it our last 3 concerts. There is a countdown on the bus that will say 3 days until we reach Mirembe house when we start our drive tomorrow. There is a plane ticket now booked for December 17th in my name to take me home from Chicago. There are less than 2 months left in tour, and already looking back on the evening as I get ready for bed am wondering how time so quickly stole one of those evenings with the girls...

Sometimes when I get behind in writing I put it off more and more to a time where I feel like I will be able to catch you up. Unfortunately as time goes on I just feel as though I've stored up an even larger collection of memories and for fear of forgetting some want to at least make note of some of them even if it doesn't bring you completely up to date.

In the final weeks in host families I feel very blessed. I will surely leave the memories I have in host homes with some lasting impressions of true generosity. Two weeks ago the host I stayed with who gave us the money to buy Scovia's new jeans and sweater that I wrote about the next morning gave a gentle knock on my door to ask if she could come in that morning to talk. Seated on my bed she told me that she had $700 cash left from her mother who recently passed away and would like to forward the cash on to us to use that "the rest of your kids and get what they need off the wish list and you can pick it out best." I was blown away. Again and again, over and over, I am blown away, and we are uplifted and carried on the wings of these generous spirits.

Linds and I went on the biggest shopping spree of my life the next day and had a blast filling carts in Old Navy imagining who could fit into and look good in which pants and shirts...we found new Sunday dresses for the girls and the lady at the store gave us a 40% discount as soon as she found out we were from the African Childrens Choir.

The next church we performed at fond out we needed winter jackets for the children. That afternon they asked for sizes and after writing them down, 2 hours later one of the staff from the church came to me asking if I wanted to "go out and see them". So I go out to their car thinking I am going to "see them" at the store and we will drive over together, but no- they had bought them that afternoon and were quickly showing me 21 new winter jackets and hats. I later walked up to the man who put this all together to thank him- to which his attitude was that of "Laura- some things you just have to do. This is one of them. I just knew in my heart I had to do it. I didn't really have the money for it but any parent with a child in this church knows the importance of keeping them bundled up and warm here. I'm sure if we ask around for people to help purchase one coat that has been bought we can come together." Not half an hour later he had 9 coats sponsored, and within the hour all 21 were covered.Thanks to just this past church stay we now have scarves for all the kids, and some made for all the chaps too

"these are always your stories" people and friends say...and I agree with them- it is "unbelievable".

Going to bed on a good day...

I haven't blogged in awhile I know...a part of me holds off on some evenings when I have the time and the internet- holding out for some big special event or story. I don't know when I started waiting for those times...today, peeking into the girls room for hugs when I got in from clothes shopping with Lindsey was just one of those small moments that all put together create one of those all around good feeling days.

My host gave me money to go shopping with to get items off our wish List, and so with Lindsey's car we drove to the Old Navy sales and had so much finally getting to pick out the clothes for our kids ourselves! Dear Scovia so badly needed new jeans, and so we looked through all the different ones to find a pair with flowers knowing how much she would love them. It is quite rare that we actually get to do the picking out- and it was so fun! One big successful bag full of good deals later I got back to the house where the girls had just said prayers and had quietly lied down to rest. My host was waiting up for me to have the chance to visit, but I just felt like tonight I had to tell her to just wait a moment as I really wanted to hug those girls before bed. I snuck into their room and whispered their names only to be met with two preciously huge smiles. I quickly jumped in the middle of the bed and lied down to tell them I just had to hug them goodnight and asked if they'd like to see the clothes I'd been able to find. I told them I would bring them into bed and we'd look through them together there- they were so so excited and quickly pull up the covers to their chins as they sit up and settle in to see. When I got to Scovia's new jeans I told Lillian to hop out of bed and hold them up, and then I told Scovia to cover her eyes and wait till the count of three to open them and see her new pants. This is an image I will never forget...

Scovia jumped a foot of the bed and squealed the most delighted, purely joyful scream. Her absolute delight caught me off guard and just tugged at somewhere deep in my heart...a year later of watching these children receive and I was for a moment completely choked up and close to tears as she frantically ran around in excitement to try them on. She then runs into the bathroom to try them on and then comes running back into the bedroom announcing frantically " Oh no! I forgot to bring my underwears to try them on! Oh oh, do I travel without underwear? No! I must get them for trying them on!" After such a confident announcement it kind of cracked me up that she then shyly grabs the underwear and tries to hide them!

As I tucked them in again once the bedtime fashion show excitement had died down, they eagerly tell me that they made me a pot of chai tea and set it for me at the table to have when I came home so that I would "have your tea you love when you get in!"

2 more bedtime hugs later- I love these kids. What an all around good day.

p.s- I thought I'd post some pics from my last stay where I did an impromptu fashion show with the girls (Racheal, Esther, Immaculate) of all the clothes in my suitcase...figuring there aren't many moments left (and that we should always take the chances when we get them) I decided to enter their play and dress up too...in their clothes! Another one of those just genuinely good nights together.



Both nights I have called Ang to start off the conversation each time with "Oh Ang...I just had to call and tell you about what a good night it was!......"

We have only 10 more stays with host families until we reach Mirembe house. May we always make the most of our moments together- the end is bittersweetly so soon. I think I will take inspiration from Angela's night with her girls and wake up a bit earlier to set up a fancy tea for the girls breakfast tomorrow...